Stupid Searches

OK it's time for another Stupid Searches That Ended Up Here. Or SSTEUH. Or perhaps not.

julia gillard spunk - that's a good one. She is a a spunk.

Documentary: "The Fishing Party": Paul Watson - I'm sorry, I have no idea what that is.

pregnancy simulation - I hear Microsoft Pregnancy Simulator 2006 will be out this fall.

the end is neigh - I keep getting this for some reason. THE END IS NIGH. NIGH. Not neigh - a neigh is the sound a horse makes. I was trying to be witty, making reference to the horsemen of the apocalypse, and all I get is idiotic searches.

hairly body - two questions - why would you search for this, and why did I get your visit?

vinegar enema - no matter how vulgar or horrific you make a scenario, like when I mentioned the vinegar enema the big man upstairs was proposing for GW, there's always someone on the internet who will search for it. Get help.

"donkey service" bath - this is interesting. Can the people who visit here with odd searches please leave a comment, because my brain, strong as it is with logical problems, struggles with the reasons for your query. Do you have a donkey? Do you wish for it to be "serviced"? I... have no explanation. These mysteries eat away at me I hope you realise.

Big batrol - there's something painful when you purposely spell a word incorrectly, and you get hits for it. Batrol is not a word. It will never be a word. Do not search for it. There may be 957 Google results, the first result may be a brazillian site called www.batrol.com.br, but a word it is not. And besides, it's small.

gimp sado - fuck off.

christmas watermelon and later: watermelon xmas - why? You're freakin' me out here, random Internet searchie folk.

racism and watermelon - I can see why I'd get it, but why would you search for it?

Watermelon speaking in Calgary - they can talk now? I don't get what you want.

watermelon boobs - 'net perv'.

australian boobs - when none of those foreign New Zealand boobs will do.

"sound of snails" - I don't think they're particularly audible, but it's probably along the lines of a slimy thing, dribbling over mucus.

And lot's of Andrew Higgs results. We know it's you Andrew, stop obsessing over your persona. This is the Internet - you can't control the results (China excepted). Be flattered. And stop cluttering up my otherwise hilariously bizarre queries.

Speaking of China. Just to clog this out of the firewall - Taiwan democracy freedom Free Tibet. Now I'm banned. Sweet.

RIP High-Value Indexed Person.

Kerry Packer proves euthanasia OK - for rich.

Kerry Francis Bullmore Packer, a Human Value Index (HVI) possibly in the thousands, a beloved guy who owned stuff, passed away on Boxing Day 2005 by his own free will. His will - his last will and testament - of course, would not be free, and was decided upon and ironed out well before pulling the plug.

He told his cardiologist earlier in the week that he was "running out of petrol" and wanted to "die with dignity", much like many terminally ill patients with chronic pain, paralysis, disfunctioning bowel muscles, mentally deranged sicknesses, etc.

"Euthanasia may be great, but it's not for everyone" claims one of the specialists who kept the old sack of bones chugging along. "Just because you can afford to stay alive, doesn't mean you should have to."

There's a lesson somewhere in all of this. Kerry was a person, I didn't know him, he did some good stuff, did some bad stuff, much like a person does, lived a hard life some of the time, and an easy life some of the time, cheated death many a time, he lived to a fine age, and chose somewhat to die with his family.

Should we be jealous/hope to be so lucky, or sad?

PCT - Post Christmas Tension - "IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR"

I'm not entirely sure how the hell Christmas came here so quickly. But, here it is, and we're just going to have to deal with it the best way we can.

And what better way to deal with anything than with rampant consumerism, retail therapy, excessive consumption of food and alcohol, and a big dose of getting the fuck out of Dodge.

It's a time to reflect, a time to give, a time to care.

But mostly, it's a time to visit people you don't like, but have some fucked up moral obligation based on genetic history or marital law to pretend to like. And then hand some money over for highly marked-up closet/cupboard fodder.

Warning: This is a Category 4 rant.

They should put beer into a pill - so we can stop kidding ourselves.
(Is that quote-worthy? I should write that last line down)

I've decided to rename 'Christmas' to 'Jesusmas'. (I even got the thumbs up from the born-again chap at work.)

It should appease Jewish groups, because 'Christ' means The Anointed One, and Jesus is just the dudes name.

Nativity scenes also get my goat in a twist.

Does it represent the True™ meaning of Christmas™? Probably not.

One day I'll make a nativity scene of the Christmas truce - which truly represents what the day should be about. (Yeah yeah, he was born, we know, get over it, it was ages ago, his birth wasn't the only miracle y'know.. plus we've mostly perverted all that with Santa Claus and the corps aren't going to give up on that cash cow anytime soon.)

(Oh and Winamp just kicked over to Rage Against The Machine's Beautiful World, nice.)

Christmas Eve, 1914 - British troops and German troops in the depths of trenches, killing each other for some stupid reason that no one seems to be able to figure out - at least not in any way that remotely justifys it. The krauts (or as we call them, cabbages or cabbage products) decorated their trenches (or as I call them: mass graves conveniently arranged in rows for easy disposal of concenting excess undesirable population) with Christmas paraphernalia.

(Oh and Winamp just kicks over to Nirvana's Lithium, I'm two for two.)

Then German carols were sung with great gusto. Then the Brits sung their respectively translated carols. Which, remarkably, had the same tune, and many of the same words - this is possibly due to the fact that it's the SAME LANGUAGE, just suffering a bit of the old Chinese whispers, and SAME CAROLS, because they had the SAME TRADITIONS and SAME RELIGION. Funny that.

(Oh and Winamp kicks over to some shit song. BBBBBB John Butler's Somethin's Gotta Give.)

And so, for the day they held proper burials, played some football, had a few laughs - pissed the officers off no end. It didn't last. But for that brief moment, there was sanity. For a brief moment, all the lies, the bullshit, the control, the hatred, vengeance was all forgotten. Every single last shred of it. The foe was friend. The stupidity of war was highlighted that day. Peace is as simple as swapping salted meats instead of swapping fire.

(Dead Kennedy's Riot, kicking.)

And that is the meaning of Christmas - the season itself, the holiday, the flashing lights, the tradition in all it's material obsession, any negativities are entirely forgiven, all entirely justified by the actions of a few in that short period.

(Oh John Lennon's Imagine.. oh wait, it's fucking Oasis' Don't Look Back In Anger.. ahh that'll do.)

Of course, the powers that be do see peace as a threat - although it is difficult to justify - if you are at war and the troops of both sides refuse to fight, you can't actually lose. But you can't win either I guess.

(Rage's Born As Ghosts - don't you love it when you get a good run of shuffled mp3s?)

From Wikipedia: "British commanders Sir John French and Sir Horace Smith-Dorrien vowed that no such truce would be allowed again. In all of the following years of the war, artillery bombardments were ordered on Christmas Eve to ensure that there were no further lulls in the combat.
Troops were also rotated through various sectors of the front to prevent them from becoming overly familiar with the enemy. Despite those measures, there were a few friendly encounters between enemy soldiers, but on a much smaller scale than the previous year."

(Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back... off-topic, quaint, yet tasteful...)

Have a Merry Christmas Truce Day, or Jesusmas Day. Peace on Earth to all - and may it be on the New Years Resolution of the powers that be.

John has a problem.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet John.

John Howard is 66 years old. Here we see him at the helm of his favorite machine - 'Electioneering'.

"I just kept pressing the racism button, it was paying up trumps - I couldn't lose."

John... has a gambling problem.

He got hooked - not on the money, but on the winning. The first big win was in 1996, and he was bitten by the bug that has enslaved countless Australians, and destroyed many lives.

Many lose homes, goods, marriages, John... lost much more.

"I got so caught up with winning, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing. I borrowed money from unsavory types - corporate sponsors, religious nuts. In the back of my mind there were warning bells, I knew it would come back to haunt me, but I needed to win."

And win he did. On the back of large 'loans' from these 'lobbyists', he paid for the psychoanalysis, marketing and advertising pitched at the public, all to ensure victory.


Peter, Mr Howards long-time friend and colleague, noticed the signs.

"We all noticed it, how could you not? But he just kept on winning - and it's hard to not get caught up in all of that."

"Then the suits came - business people, lobbyists. Their charitable donations do not come without strings attached, and eventually they made some hefty demands."

Once John had won big - full control of the Senate, it was time to call in the debt. He needed the money to win, so he capitulated. Industrial relations, further free trade agreements, bills that allowed the corrupt donors themselves all but invisible were on the cards.

"I'm just so sorry everyone" says John Howard, seemingly reaching out to the camera. "I never wanted to admit that I had a problem, but I do. I have made millions of lives so much more difficult because of my stupidity. The working hours, lack of full time jobs, the removal of fairness - I didn't even care! I had to do it, they were going to break my knee-caps!"

"They called it Cash-For-Legislation, like Laws' Cash-For-Comment, but far worse. They'd been doing it for years, but thanks to the incorruptible minor parties, and semi-corrupt Labor, I had an excuse for not destroying the country. But when I did, and the nation spun into turmoil, I saw what I had created."

Winning elections and votes by dog-whistling to racists, with corporate medias incitement, created a public acceptance of previously absurd behavior, and was the first sign of collapse of the nation. First came the riots, then everything that everyone said would happen happened.

Mr Howard has been remanded in custody under tight security, as he awaits trial for public extortion, abuse of power, war crimes, and others.

And he has a message to those of us left, picking up the pieces: "if you notice a friend, relative, anyone, going mad with winning, power or control, building up debt, get them help."

Guide for teen racists.

Hello, and welcome to the latest pamphlet by anti-racism groups around Australia.

This latest in the series in targeted at post-to-currently-pubescent males, a demographic that particularly struggles with the idea that a skin colour doth not a person make.

It's entitled:

Boobs is as boobies bounce.

AKA: Boobs Is Boobs,
All Folk Have Boobs,
Boobies Are Racy - Not Racist,
and: No One's From Mars, Everyone's From Earth, And Here's Boobs.


These are from The Age.

Now, all males should look at the images above (OK, to the side, damn HTML), and guess which one is Australian?

You can't tell can you?

Would you like to know?

.
.

.



The answer is: Who cares? They've got boobs.

You see, before you decided to be a racist, it is important to consider the following:
A) Chicks don't think racism is attractive.
B) Australia is very multicultural - if you neglect certain 'races' or 'backgrounds' as being unsavory, you are reducing your likelihood of getting laid - this may even stem from a deep desire to be homosexual. By first rejecting women of certain nationalities, and then extending that to all women, racism may be a sign of your sexual tendencies.
C) Boobs.

So don't be gay*, be racism-free today!


* in the non-sexual-preference-specific-purely-derogatory-some-of-my-best-friends-are-crack-humpers way.

Another silly God-talks allegory. How uninspired.

Hey pops.
Hey son, what's happening? How's work been the past few years?
Bad.
Why bad?
I got crucified again.
And I'll hazard a guess it was Christians who killed you again, too?
*sighs* Yeah.
You didn't tell them you were Jesus either I suppose?
There's no point. Everytime I try I get sedated and monitored. I almost prefered the reaction of a century ago when I just got stoned to death for claiming it.
So what form did you take this time?
Well, this time I went for bulk and brawn.
As opposed to the weedy little hippy you normally are?
Yeah, can't make myself too obvious. I started out on the wrong side of the tracks, I worked hard at gaining the respect of my peers - committing shocking crimes, and then turning my life around, saving so many souls from a life of pain and anguish.
Then what happened?
They killed me.
Harsh. Should I smote a few people so they know we're upset?
I don't think it'd help.
What about if I make the religious leaders write out those few bits of the bible that weren't completely misquoted - y'know, like from the book of Matthew, a few thousand times on a blackboard until they get the idea?
Yeah that'll probably be best.
And I'll give old George another vinegar enema, that should go nicely with his inflamed, weeping hemorrhoids I installed last Thursday.
Great. I'll just update my blog. OK. Begin post: I just tried to emulate a somewhat born-again gangster called Tookie. Scenario was that I would make a huge difference in gang activity where it is rampant, create peace, make miracles happen, then get tried, in a nation that claims to follow my teachings, and see if I get my sins forgiven. Got injected and died. Great. Happy birthday to me. End post.

Re:Joyce

Senator Joyce: "IF I shoot a woman and don't kill her but kill the baby, I haven't actually committed a crime?"

Which is a better headline:

Joyce uses Senate hearing to nonchalantly seek legal advice on a domestic dispute between himself and his wife that morning.

Barnaby's complete and utter ignorance about all things is exposed - unaware of attempted murder laws.

Joyce proposes new hit-the-foetus abortion carnival shooting aim game. Fun for all (surviving) members of the family.

Joyce stuns everyone (again) with his rampant stupidity. Nationals leader seeks advice from refugee groups on lip-sewing techniques to prevent further embarassment.

Joyce is a smacktard. Again.

Cronulla

My brain doesn't react very well to racism.

Especially the common garden variety racist - the average Joe, a nice, normal, caring, sharing person. Who just happen to pop out little pockets of 'all ------'s are evil' or 'those people deserve to die' and who could forget the all-time-classic phrase that truly shows that you don't know what you are talking about, and resemble a mimicking parrot more than a thinking human: 'they should be sent home.'

My brain just slams into 'we just lost cabin pressure' mode, rendering me speechless and dumbfounded, like some archaic spell has been cast on me. Racism is such fundamental lesson to learn, the logic, the history, if examined in any detail at all, which is almost impossible in today's curriculum, would highlight the dangers to even the most retarded of individuals.

You learn not to poo yourself, and that smearing it on your face and the faces of others, is not a pleasant way to deal with your peers. Some do not have correctly functioning brains, and much to the distress of carers, continue with this practice past their infantile stage of life. Thus it is with racism.

Unfortunately, I think its possible that racism is natural, if ignorant, behavior - it seems to be lodged firmly in the brain stem, probably in the natural selection region, wedged in, just below the 'I like to touch women's bits - heyuk!' code. We may be predisposed, but that offers no excuse. To be so inclined, is to be likened to others who cannot control their primal urges - people who do touch random women inappropriately in public, or walk the streets nekked - ie: you need help.

And what's with ogling anyway? (Tangent alert) If a hefty-chested barely-clad attractive lass trots by, the brain stem wirrs into life and optical auto-tracking seems to kick in. It's not a rational decision, it's fully automatic, semi sub-conscious. But what does it achieve? You are completely aware of how unlikely it is that you will be permitted to mount, and if you do look - then what? At what point is the ogling complete? Is it to collect data for future *ahem* personal use? I don't get it. Social sciences students, this would be a good excuse for a perv experiment - get permission, and record at which point the ogling desire seems to fade. But, in a show of respect for the female, who is most likely a person and not a billboard to be perused, I look away. Unless, of course, no one is around, and she's in front of me. Then I'll sneak a quick eye-dart. (This is entirely for the neurological experimentation reasons above, and not a weakness of will.) Tangent expired.

Can a blind person be racist? If they're born without any concept of appearance, and can only tell the occasional tone difference or stereotypical accents, how can they be?

Apparently there is some religious/cultural holiday coming up, after being so distracted by all this nonsense, it's hard to remember what it is, or what it supposed to be about.

Fuck, I gotta get presents.

---

"And now we have a young Anglo-Australian's opinion on immigrants."

"I say, if youse dun' learn the language, theysh' jus' g'ome!"

"I'm sorry, they should what?"

"G'OME!! We dun' wan' ya here - we din' invoit yez."

"I'm sorry, I can't understand you. If you haven't bothered learning how to speak the native tongue in an accurate manner, perhaps you should take a course. Or, return to wherever that language it is you speak comes from."

---

The news as it should be:

On the weekend, a collection of Australians rallied in support of getting control of Australian beaches back from Australian-Australians. It quickly turned violent, with Australians chasing and bashing Australians, chanting racial taunts along the lines of "Aussies - go home".

The following day, repercussions came. Australian-looking men were allegedly seen smashing the cars of Australians on an Australian street in suburban Australia. One Australian, fresh from an Australian hospital, claims she was approached by an Australian-looking man, told "it's our country too" and then hit in the head with a baseball bat. Much like the irony should.

Australian community groups and gangs have met and declared peace with other Australian groups/gangs. "We have nothing against Australians" claimed one Australian-born Australian. The leader of an Australian gang concurred: "we deal drugs, bash other gang's members, create a public disturbance, but we abhor any activities that involve any racist anti-Australian action, by Australians or Australians alike. Despite the differences between the cultures of Australians and Australians, this is the wrong reason to attack people. It's not skin colour, it's gang colours, as it should always remain."

(Is it just me, or is this how the news was reported? Oh wait, I had my bullshit filter on, and it came out like the above.)

Oh goodness, you know when you see a word too often and it looks weird - I just got that with Australia.. I just don't seem to recognize Australia. Irony... overload...

---

Sydney,

you reject 'em.

Melbourne,

we elect 'em.

And look at our mayor - what a whacka:

---

You flew here? You rowed here? I think this is more accurate:

It's the mob Jim, but not as we know it.

And now a word from our sponsor:

---

Retribution for the attacks have begun, and groups persecuted are organising to "punish" their mistreatment. First and foremost is the Ambulance personnel, whose head has claimed "we are coming to get you white supremacist bastards. You will think twice before you attack us or our vans again."

Groups of Ambulance staff have reportedly been seen attacking parked vehicles with stethoscopes and drip stands.

---

Vanstone today comments: "These people are no longer welcome in Australia, we have tried to assimilate them, but it does not appear to be possible. Therefore, we call all of these rascists, white or otherwise, to volunteer yourselves to Immigration for extradition. This extends to rascists whose families stem back to the First Fleet, they are all refugees to some degree, and will be sent home. This should be only as difficult as a check of a handful of historic records. For Aboriginies, the homes to be sent back to will require some archaelogical research.

---

Many in the pale mob were wearing short to no sleeves, and were unfortunate enough to be exposed to the harsh sunlight during their rampaging on Sunday. This has resulted in a substantial increase in the number of citizens of brown colour.

Reports are coming in of caucasians attacking one another, mistaking their new skin tone as a sign of inferiority. The irony is duly noted by police groups. Here is an artists rendition of the change:

Me Mine A Whitey

Tired of being brown?

Australians bashing you because of skin tone?

Hair a little bit too wiry to fit in?

Trying to assimilate, but you just don't look like Warnie?

Welcome to Make-Me-A-Whitey!

Here at Make-Me-A-Whitey, we have many facilities to make you look, talk, even walk like a traditional white Australian.

Firstly, there's our on-site deed-poll office, where you can select a Pauline-Hanson-Approved(TM) name. Why be Murdhabib, or Nguyen, when you can be a Jones!

Secondly, thick accent getting you knocked unconscious on a Sydney beach? Talking Occa is a series of tapes (available as CD's or DVD's) professionally recorded by renowned experts such as Alf from Home & Away and Steve Irwin, and can get you started on the traditional and uniquely Australian butchering of the English language.

Thirdly, we offer an advanced surgery clinic. Hair transplants or wigs can be substituted if your existing locks are too wiry or oily. For those on a budget, we can shave or dye, even de-grease hair in our Whitey-Salon.

If your facial structure exposes your racial impurity, one of our plastic surgeons can modify, add or replace existing items. All those lumps and bumps that shouldn't be there in Australian society can be gone for a nominal fee. Approved cheek bone protrusion distance, nose width and length are all accounted for in our 100% Money Back If Bashed guarantee, when the Aryan specifications are met. Drawings of these are available on request (in PDF format).

Our Optical Shop offers a range of colored contact lenses, ranging the full spectrum of blue to light blue, the choice is all yours.

Finally is the all important Skin Bleaching Centre. Spectrophotometers can accurately measure the tone of the skin itself, and trained technicians apply the exact bleaching requirements - even removing a dangerously conspicuous tan.

Pamphlets are available on approved Caucasian attire for those donning burka's or sarongs, and approved religions (one so far).

Once you are finished, a personalized and invented historical account of how your great great grandfather came to the country will be given, and once specifications are met, you will be given your government-approved official White Person Card with great fanfare in one of the many full-assimilation ceremonies. You too can finally switch off your brain, and assume everyone whose genetics don't fit within the tight tolerances of a normal Australian are lesser abnormal beings.

---

UPDATE: Now offering penile reductions - you to can manifest penis-size-envy as racial hared!

VSU

If the coalition, especially but not exclusively the Nats, are the only party that stands up for the country constituents, and VSU hurts mostly country areas, shouldn't they be against it?

If VSU provides child care facilities, etc, to help raise and care for families, shouldn't the party that claims to represent families be against it?

If it is about choice, the students right to choose, why should they support facilities they don't use - why is there going to be funding with tax dollars - surely that robs EVERYONE of their right to choose whether to pay or not?

Steve Fielding goes to heaven.

After being unable to recall if his dealings with the government included mention of abortion drug RU-486, which was subsequently banned, Steve Fielding is struck by lightning.

Wowee! I've reached the pearly gates! Hey God!

Ahh yes, Steve, sit down.

This is so exciting - I've read all of your books. I'm a candidate of yours y'know!

Now.. Steve, it says here you hate spiders, is that correct?

Certainly is, it's amazing you know that.

And you have spent a great deal of time campaigning against abortion?

Of course - after all, it is your will, imposing it was the least I could do.

Indeed. Now, see this big red button?

Yep.

The one labelled "Male unwanted pregnancy simulation"?

Yep, the big red one, right there?

OK, I'll just press the button, and you tell me what you feel.

OK. Nothing so far. Oh.. Oh! I can feel it kicking! What glory! What majesty! I have been gifted with the miracle of life!

It's a spider Mr Fielding.

It's a wha...?

To be precise, it's a Theraphosa blondii. The Goliath Birdeater.

What!? ARRRGHHH GET IT OUT! I can feel it's hairly legs clawing me!

As this little miracle grows, it will need to feed off your body. You may suffer a few internal lesions but it's not likely to be fatal.

Why are you doing this? Oh, I'm going to be sick.

Yes, nausea is a common symptom of pregnancy.

AAARRGGGGHHH! Please get it out of me, PLEASE!!

I do apologize, but it seems it is my will.

But why?! A spider is not a person!

Neither is an early human foetus, really - a bit closer to a reptile.

PLEASE!

Are you questioning my will?

No... I mean.. I don't know, all I want is to get this.. THING out of me!!

It's not a thing - it's a living creature. It's life. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

I'm pro-human-life!!!

OK, now I'm going to press the button again, and give you this pill. This will attach a fertilized human egg onto the spider, which will grow quite harmoniously. The pill is RU-486.

So.. now I have a baby inside me?

Uh.. soon you will, yes. Unless you take the pill?

Will the pill kill the child?

It will stop the cells from dividing, yeah.

Oh it's horrid! If I carry this child full term, can the spider be removed by caesarean section along with the baby?

They will be born together yes. But there will be no caesarean, they will be born in the normal manner - through your genitals.

Gimme the pill.

---

(Feel free to replace Steve Fielding's name with Tony Abbott as need be.