Me Mine A Whitey

Tired of being brown?

Australians bashing you because of skin tone?

Hair a little bit too wiry to fit in?

Trying to assimilate, but you just don't look like Warnie?

Welcome to Make-Me-A-Whitey!

Here at Make-Me-A-Whitey, we have many facilities to make you look, talk, even walk like a traditional white Australian.

Firstly, there's our on-site deed-poll office, where you can select a Pauline-Hanson-Approved(TM) name. Why be Murdhabib, or Nguyen, when you can be a Jones!

Secondly, thick accent getting you knocked unconscious on a Sydney beach? Talking Occa is a series of tapes (available as CD's or DVD's) professionally recorded by renowned experts such as Alf from Home & Away and Steve Irwin, and can get you started on the traditional and uniquely Australian butchering of the English language.

Thirdly, we offer an advanced surgery clinic. Hair transplants or wigs can be substituted if your existing locks are too wiry or oily. For those on a budget, we can shave or dye, even de-grease hair in our Whitey-Salon.

If your facial structure exposes your racial impurity, one of our plastic surgeons can modify, add or replace existing items. All those lumps and bumps that shouldn't be there in Australian society can be gone for a nominal fee. Approved cheek bone protrusion distance, nose width and length are all accounted for in our 100% Money Back If Bashed guarantee, when the Aryan specifications are met. Drawings of these are available on request (in PDF format).

Our Optical Shop offers a range of colored contact lenses, ranging the full spectrum of blue to light blue, the choice is all yours.

Finally is the all important Skin Bleaching Centre. Spectrophotometers can accurately measure the tone of the skin itself, and trained technicians apply the exact bleaching requirements - even removing a dangerously conspicuous tan.

Pamphlets are available on approved Caucasian attire for those donning burka's or sarongs, and approved religions (one so far).

Once you are finished, a personalized and invented historical account of how your great great grandfather came to the country will be given, and once specifications are met, you will be given your government-approved official White Person Card with great fanfare in one of the many full-assimilation ceremonies. You too can finally switch off your brain, and assume everyone whose genetics don't fit within the tight tolerances of a normal Australian are lesser abnormal beings.

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UPDATE: Now offering penile reductions - you to can manifest penis-size-envy as racial hared!