Sunday, December 18, 2005

John has a problem.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet John.

John Howard is 66 years old. Here we see him at the helm of his favorite machine - 'Electioneering'.

"I just kept pressing the racism button, it was paying up trumps - I couldn't lose."

John... has a gambling problem.

He got hooked - not on the money, but on the winning. The first big win was in 1996, and he was bitten by the bug that has enslaved countless Australians, and destroyed many lives.

Many lose homes, goods, marriages, John... lost much more.

"I got so caught up with winning, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing. I borrowed money from unsavory types - corporate sponsors, religious nuts. In the back of my mind there were warning bells, I knew it would come back to haunt me, but I needed to win."

And win he did. On the back of large 'loans' from these 'lobbyists', he paid for the psychoanalysis, marketing and advertising pitched at the public, all to ensure victory.


Peter, Mr Howards long-time friend and colleague, noticed the signs.

"We all noticed it, how could you not? But he just kept on winning - and it's hard to not get caught up in all of that."

"Then the suits came - business people, lobbyists. Their charitable donations do not come without strings attached, and eventually they made some hefty demands."

Once John had won big - full control of the Senate, it was time to call in the debt. He needed the money to win, so he capitulated. Industrial relations, further free trade agreements, bills that allowed the corrupt donors themselves all but invisible were on the cards.

"I'm just so sorry everyone" says John Howard, seemingly reaching out to the camera. "I never wanted to admit that I had a problem, but I do. I have made millions of lives so much more difficult because of my stupidity. The working hours, lack of full time jobs, the removal of fairness - I didn't even care! I had to do it, they were going to break my knee-caps!"

"They called it Cash-For-Legislation, like Laws' Cash-For-Comment, but far worse. They'd been doing it for years, but thanks to the incorruptible minor parties, and semi-corrupt Labor, I had an excuse for not destroying the country. But when I did, and the nation spun into turmoil, I saw what I had created."

Winning elections and votes by dog-whistling to racists, with corporate medias incitement, created a public acceptance of previously absurd behavior, and was the first sign of collapse of the nation. First came the riots, then everything that everyone said would happen happened.

Mr Howard has been remanded in custody under tight security, as he awaits trial for public extortion, abuse of power, war crimes, and others.

And he has a message to those of us left, picking up the pieces: "if you notice a friend, relative, anyone, going mad with winning, power or control, building up debt, get them help."

5 Comments:

At 12:10 pm, December 20, 2005, Blogger Jennifer said...

Hilarious! And probably not entirely untrue.

 
At 10:48 am, December 21, 2005, Blogger Justine said...

I really feel for him. Thanks for opening up my compassion to this pitiful man.

 
At 7:10 pm, December 21, 2005, Blogger Jennifer said...

Perhaps he just need to talk?

 
At 12:28 am, December 24, 2005, Blogger Larry Bonewend said...

Poor little Johnny needs a coup d'état.. no wait, I mean an intervention.

 
At 11:08 pm, December 27, 2005, Blogger Mikey_Capital said...

Apparently in that last senate round of 'kill the left wing of this country' he also stuck in a nifty bit of legislation that allows him, not the GG, to call out the troops if he need too.

Now I wonder why he felt the need to bring that in? Wasn't he the guy who said the constitutional monarchy was great and that none of it needed changing? I believe it was.

Creep.

 

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