Steve Fielding goes to heaven.

After being unable to recall if his dealings with the government included mention of abortion drug RU-486, which was subsequently banned, Steve Fielding is struck by lightning.

Wowee! I've reached the pearly gates! Hey God!

Ahh yes, Steve, sit down.

This is so exciting - I've read all of your books. I'm a candidate of yours y'know!

Now.. Steve, it says here you hate spiders, is that correct?

Certainly is, it's amazing you know that.

And you have spent a great deal of time campaigning against abortion?

Of course - after all, it is your will, imposing it was the least I could do.

Indeed. Now, see this big red button?

Yep.

The one labelled "Male unwanted pregnancy simulation"?

Yep, the big red one, right there?

OK, I'll just press the button, and you tell me what you feel.

OK. Nothing so far. Oh.. Oh! I can feel it kicking! What glory! What majesty! I have been gifted with the miracle of life!

It's a spider Mr Fielding.

It's a wha...?

To be precise, it's a Theraphosa blondii. The Goliath Birdeater.

What!? ARRRGHHH GET IT OUT! I can feel it's hairly legs clawing me!

As this little miracle grows, it will need to feed off your body. You may suffer a few internal lesions but it's not likely to be fatal.

Why are you doing this? Oh, I'm going to be sick.

Yes, nausea is a common symptom of pregnancy.

AAARRGGGGHHH! Please get it out of me, PLEASE!!

I do apologize, but it seems it is my will.

But why?! A spider is not a person!

Neither is an early human foetus, really - a bit closer to a reptile.

PLEASE!

Are you questioning my will?

No... I mean.. I don't know, all I want is to get this.. THING out of me!!

It's not a thing - it's a living creature. It's life. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

I'm pro-human-life!!!

OK, now I'm going to press the button again, and give you this pill. This will attach a fertilized human egg onto the spider, which will grow quite harmoniously. The pill is RU-486.

So.. now I have a baby inside me?

Uh.. soon you will, yes. Unless you take the pill?

Will the pill kill the child?

It will stop the cells from dividing, yeah.

Oh it's horrid! If I carry this child full term, can the spider be removed by caesarean section along with the baby?

They will be born together yes. But there will be no caesarean, they will be born in the normal manner - through your genitals.

Gimme the pill.

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(Feel free to replace Steve Fielding's name with Tony Abbott as need be.