PR0N

Tattersalls have been distributing pron - in scratchie form:



Although I won nothing, somehow I feel we all won with that ticket.

Atwip

I want to start a word.

Atwip.

It's the abbreviation of "According To WikiPedia".

Can I use that in a sentence? Yes.

"Is that true?"
"Atwip it is."

"Atwip, Bromatology is the study of food (or ailments.)"

"The facts, whilst not thoroughly checked, were true, atwip."

Today's headlines...

*In best Wil Anderson voice* And now a look at today's headlines.

Bush briefs Howard on nuclear deal:
Pulls up his briefs, calls 'wedgie!', then tells him what to do.

No major checks of AWB contracts:
Just major cheques.

Troops head for disaster zone:
Iraq now officially renamed The Disaster Zone.

Kennett backs Georgiou for Kooyong:
Because official Liberal party policy is to keep homosexuals in your field of vision.

Bid to gag rural ambulance whistleblowers:
Ambulance sirens now a muffled toot.

Prognosis grim for Democrats:
Pope turns catholic.

Canberra tips 3 new uranium mines in 10 years:
Tattersalls refuses bets due to insider information, and rigged outcome.

Time to speak on sedition law changes:
Gov't suggests do so whilst lining up against a wall.

Charges against ex-HIH chairman to be heard next month:
Plea of inability to recall heard already.

Sharemarket breaks through 5000:
Driven by the invasion of Iraq to topple Saddam Hussein's regime.

(Actually, that last snide comment is actually from the article. *sigh*)

Labor wants ISPs block net porn, violence:
Claims: we still have some more popularity points to lose.
OR: Australian blog servers crash due to sudden rampant ranting.

We sponsor terror: ex-judge:
Pope shits in woods.

Science and art joined:
Religion reacts with jealous rage. Science takes restraining order.

Frozen eggs an option for 'socially infertile':
Frozen nads an option for contraception.

Downer worried two years ago about AWB contract:
The 'it's old news - people have moved on' argument suprising still not used yet.

The Exclusive Brethren

And the winner for the South Australian State Election Anti-Greens Campaign, the winner of which gets the significant honour of authorising pre-configured, highly-litigious, and grotesquely inaccurate (don't worry folks, you only get a slap on the wrist for this perversion of democracy) mass marketing campaign against what we all know as the one true democratic political party, the one threat to tyranny, The Greens.

The winner is..... *drum roll*... Well kiss my grits, The Exclusive Brethren! Come on down!

*fanfare*

EB: Wow. This is indeed an honour. What a great day for anti-democracy. I'd like to thank God, who is entirely responsible for everything. A bit shout to Kimmy and Johnny, where are you? *squints* There you are, table four, a big round of applause for table four. Without them, the sort of actions we are going to be attributed to being responsible for would have some sort of consequences.

In a fair society I mean. *roaring laughter*

Some of you may not know much about The Exclusive Brethren, so I will fill you in with a little history. We are a fundamentalist Christian group.

Much like terrorist groups, Al Qaeda, or the Taliban, our members don't believe in voting, computers, radio, mobiles or television. And much like the Amish, very few join our ranks from outside. And much like a cult, very few leave our ranks. And much like communists, men are called 'brothers', women 'sisters' - although from such an exclusive gene pool, the terms may actually apply. *roaring laughter* We meet once a day Monday to Saturday, and four to five times on Sunday.

We are a Christian sect, with accusations of spiritual abuse, but we will run a campaign of newspaper advertisements, and leaflets. This will be similar to the campaign in New Zealand, and in America. We know what needs to be done....


Moral note: Be very wary/afraid of anyone who tells you negative things about The Greens any political party if they are not actually an opposing party.

Fun fact: The Liberal Party admits to meetings with them before the election, but "to the best of their knowledge" denies it receives any funding from them.

WorkClauses

So WorkChoices regulations have been released, one week before they come into effect.

This is a dot .

Let's pretend that dot is an entire page of regulation.

This is the size of the WorkChoices regulation, with one dot representing one page:

..................................................................................................................
..................................................................................................................
.................................................................................................................
...........................................................

Counting a dot is far simpler than reading a page full of regulation, so how many dots were there?



Yeah, exactly.

We got a site down.

In shocking news, the website ratemypoo.com (a site that allows voting on various turds) has been taken down by an Australian government order. Apparently it resembles too closely the Australian Electoral Commission site, with almost no difference between current political candidates and excrement.

Dear oh dear.

Some Games thing is on I think

I was going to watch the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony, but....

...Chapter 4 of Stats, Data and Models, regarding the comparison of distributions within histograms was more appealing.

Aaaand I'm not kiddin'.

No More Chocolate Salty Ones To Suckle On

In shocking news that has rocked the world of cartoon voice-acting, Isaac Hayes has quit the South Park team due to "inappropriate ridicule".

Chef.

A spokesman for The Coalition Against Inappropriate Ridicule of Christians, Canadians, Jews, Stereotypical Policemen, The Physically Disabled, Scientologists, Homosexuals, Promiscuous Mothers, Catholics, Hunters, Native Americans, Animal Welfare Societies, Extra-Terrestrials, Large Retail Corporations, The Obese, People With Lazy Eyes, Barbra Streisand, Latinos, The Mentally Handicapped, People with Parasitic Twins, Saddam Hussein, Hyperactive Children, Starving Third-Worlders, Russell Crowe, Women With Sagging Breasts, Those Who Find Pleasure In Inserting Creatures Into Themselves, Father Christmas, The Wealthy, Jarod Fogle, Hippies, Chinese Restaurant Owners, Religious Bands, Alcoholics, and Immigrants From The Future (or TCAIRoCCJSPTPDSHPMCHNAAWSETLRCTOPWLEBSLT- MHPwPTSHHCSTWRCWWSBTWFPIICITFCTWJFHCRORBAaIFTF for short) has stated that the series unfairly targets it's members, whilst failing to deride other aspects of society.

A spokesperson for the show remarked that there was "still time. Due to scheduling concerns and budget constraints, we have not been able to offend everyone through our current collection of episodes. We will endeavour to maintain that our show, in due course, will not discriminate by neglecting to disturb any particular category that a person might collate themselves into."

Isaac was paraphrased as suggesting that the poorly-animated comedy "was a universal resource for world-knowledge and education for the public, and as such, should be held accountable for inaccuracies - much like a history book or encyclopedia." That despite the prominant disclaimer that the shows content deems it inadvisable to be viewed by anyone, people cannot distinguish it from a documentary, text, reality, or peer-reviewed article.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs and others begins," Hayes said in a statement issued through his spokesman in New York.

And that time occurs when the jokes on you, it seems.

Bug.

Bug.

Heh

US President George Bush calls Iran a "grave national security concern".

Bush: "The minimal number of Iranians in a grave is a concern to nation security."

Heh.

The List

*phone rings*

*thick Indian accent masquerading as anglo* Hello sir, I was wondering if my manager could ask you a few question to offer you a saving on your telephone cost, it will only take a minute of your time.

OK

*bleep* *click*

Hello sir, today I would like to offer you a service that we here like to call an unprivatised telephone utility network. This service will be run at cost, possibly even under-cost with funding from government, which will mean great savings in the long term.

Also sir, there will be entirely no reason for any multinational, or otherwise, telephone giant to use dirt cheap labour to harrass you about switching from one profit-whore to another profit whore, with a pricing system so complex it requires previous tabulated phone call details, a spreadsheet, several hours of data entry, and the realisation of only a minor saving before you realise they'll change the plan without notice anyway.

(The above is a call I'd love to get around meal times.)

---

AAPT, you just made the list:

AAPT: 1 call today.

(Anyone have any other companies to add?)

Free PT as in beer.

This jaw-droppingly absurd comment on the Public Transport Users Association site:

Myth: Making public transport free will encourage use

Fact: It's not the cost of public transport that puts people off using it.
Just eliminating fares without improving services won't shift the habits of
enough people to justify the cost. But if service improvements can attract more
people to public transport, we might as well maintain reasonably cheap fares so
as to recover some of the cost.

Of course, this works for many things.

Myth: Making beer free will encourage alcoholism.

Fact: It's not the cost of beer that puts people off drinking it - it's the flavour. If we could only somehow improve the flavour of beer, them we could reach liver damage equal to those of our peers (Russia, etc.)

Myth: Public transport users who bother to be a part of an association care about public transport.

Fact: They just don't want even more unsavory types - the sort of people that would use things if they are free - on THEIR private transport, and (as they obviously have already coughed up for yearly tickets, and don't want to seem like complete fools) would rather the same money be spent on making the existing system upgraded.

THE CURRENT PUBLIC TRANSPORT PRICING STRUCTURE MAKES IT MORE COSTLY TO USE THAN TO DRIVE FOR ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING NORMAL USAGE.

Let's say a trip to the city, Zone 1/2/3, all day ticket, $12.60. Let's say it's around $5 of petrol to drive - 4WDs and V8's excepted. Government already pays 60% of costs, so the actual cost of the ticket is $31.50.

To bring the cost down to equal petrol costs would be to pay 84% instead of 60%, bringing the ticket to $5.04. Which means an outlay of $160 million, without the $60 million saved on ticketing machines and the enforcement thereof.

So $360 for free, and $160 to make it even competitive, (heaven forbid actually make it cheaper.) Car ownership, registration and maintenance excepted (although the PTUA seems to agree with me there.)

We live in an age where flag poles cost $9,000 - and may go to around 100 ministers, I'm sure they can scrounge the money for free PT somehow.

And to the fellow who made the comment: "It would be good if the State Greens pulled their fingers out of their butts and started to try and support and promote policies such as this - they may even win a few votes" on Melbourne IndyMedia - they're already getting as many votes as Democrats, Nationals and Family First combined here, yet have no representation as yet (Nats have many.) It's a bit odd to complain that a party with no elected members is being inactive, you need to get elected first. And for that, you need votes, and help.

Go Jules

Free public transport.

In The Age on Sunday was a brilliant exposé about making public transport free in Victoria.

According to the article, around $400 million is needed to make it fully public – 60% is already paid by the government. The monstrous fiasco that is our ticketing machines (the ones where large chaps physically grab and restrain people who try to rush through whilst the detained scream for them to be let go, there’s an image that will stick with me for a while) costs a cool $60 mill per annum, so that can be finally and joyously confined to the scrap heap, bringing the cost down to $340m.

One costing has been proposed for households to pay between $100 and $200, attached to council rates, less for those with fewer services, pensioners, etc. It'd be nice to see a council rate hike actually justified.

Benefits: (from the article, and myself)
* increased public transport usage
* reduced congestion
* reduced road toll
* reduced pollution
* drunk drivers may have a more tempting option of not driving
* always (within reason) available transport, no matter how much cash is at hand
* no more manhandling and charging those without tickets, or: harder to steal a ride (unless you’re a tax dodger, in which case you are then a thief)
* wonderful for tourism - might be a more attractive reason to visit than being sworn at.
* less confusion in understanding the ticketing and zoning pricing structure

Cons:
* taxpayers who do not use the system will have to pay more for it, (100% instead of the usual 60% for a system they do not use.)
* increased public transport usage, which will require investment in more rolling stock. (Which is exactly what is in demand at the moment.)
* priority should be given to expanding services to certain areas.
* priority should be given to improve the reliability and frequency of services.

There are many benefits and side benefits, and the negatives range from the usual user-pays gripes, to cost, to, well, changing the subject by pointing out other aspects of the transportation system that need work.

The daily poll was “Is free public transport a responsible solution to Melbourne's traffic chaos?” 88% said yes, 12% no. The current state government does not support the idea.

The closest we’ve got to such a system was during the radically conservative Jeff Kennett era.

Traffic is shocking, the dust is already flying on our impressive user-pays $2.5 billion Eastlink tollway. Perhaps soon, some will be paying to use the Eastlink, paying to use Citylink, paying for parking, along with the extra congestion tax, go to work to pay for the above and petrol, then beg on the streets to afford food.

Currently, it is far cheaper to drive than use public transport.

A golden opportunity exists to lead by example here – none can claim that any of the potential benefits are not of serious concern to them. “But Victoria's Transport Minister Peter Batchelor doesn't like the idea, saying that increased subsidies to public transport would have to be borne by taxpayers who did not use the system.”

According to Wikipedia, he “is a member of the Socialist Left faction of the Australian Labor Party.”

WARNING: The following commentary contains course language.

My arse he is. A “SOCIALIST LEFT” factional member of the opposition LEFT party making a comment pro user-pays (user-pays a little bit more, no less) rings a few bullshit alarm bells. The ALP has the same majority in both houses in Victoria as Howard does at the federal level, and the same control over legislation. Inaction cannot come without accountability.

This issue will vanish, and will be forgotten. The following day's paper provided no further reporting, and no letters on the subject, despite several pages dedicated a day prior. This is, of course, unless the handful of voters required to vote for the you-know-who’s provide balance of power this year.

(Also, I noticed http://brackswatch.blogspot.com/ while Googling.

Breaking tea news.

Breaking news in the Bob Brown tea-related civility extended to John Howard:

According to the latest information available from Bob Brown's BobCast's*, is that John (initially) agreed to share a cup of tea with the senator, after a dry spell of 10 years. However, the day ended and Howard was a no-show. We have confirmed reports that either a slice or a lump of chocolate cake was sent to the PM, despite Bob's snob.

At time of post, no further information is available about any updated schedule for tea-drinking sessions between the two men, or the consumption status of the cake. Staff at this blog will remain committed to this story, and we will keep you posted as new information arrives.

And to re-cap tonights news, John snobs Bob, but gob's glob. This has been a WatermelonRant exclusive report, I'm Larry Bonewend.

* The 10 year downloadable clip only seems to work through iTunes for me, not the one available on the front page.

John says thanks to those who made a difference.

John Howard: "...but I cannot accept any credit for maintaining government for a decade without thanking the two groups that have been fundamental to this pursuit.

Firstly, the real reason the Liberal party keeps getting re-elected. Without further ado, I would like to express my sincere appreciation of the Labor party.

Under the guidance of Kim, the ALP has performed many tasks vital to the Liberal party’s continued control. I am grateful for their failure on economic issues – without which an entire quarter of our comments during question time would have to be dedicated to deriding something else. I thank them for recognizing it would take ghastly economic policy to make our mangling seem to resemble good management by comparison alone.

I thank them for remaining silent on issues of importance, and for following the headlines of the day that we have raised. This can be seen to this day by the starkly contrasting questions asked by the minor parties and independents, a continuous reminder of Labor’s dedication to continued coalition leadership.

I commend and appreciate their abilities to convince many, but not all, trade union organizations to actively support them, and with striking the correct balance between giving the appearance of a worker-friendly party, but without giving in to demands of welfare, social justice, or industrial relations savagery.

Of course, this extends fully to all areas of politics. Labor are indeed the true masters of illusion, where a carbon copy, a facsimile, appears contrary. Maintaining enough votes to keep the dangerous minor’s from reaching practicality, but not enough votes to form government, is an art worth appreciating.

I am grateful for a brilliant man, who, when faced with impending election, can practically destroy all of his chances of becoming prime minister with a single flick of a handshake, Mr Latham.

Secondly, as prime minister of Australia, and as a neo-conservative, I feel obliged to admit that many of our policies could not have been introduced, and many issues could not be hidden, without the actions of violent fundamentalists.

If pathetic opposition parties, such as Labor, and spineless barbaric terrorists, had carefully planned ways to provide and maintain power and control to parties like the Liberals, their actions would be no different than of those we see today. We are the, appreciative, benefactors.”

John Howard celebrated the evening with a large number of people who attended for the sole purpose of currying favour. Bob Brown also celebrated his 10 years in the senate, but with his actual friends.

----

And from the ABC's AM program today:

"BOB BROWN: We're an opposition where very often the Labor Party provides none."

"BOB BROWN: I've sent John Howard a congratulations card, but I'm not holding my breath to get one back."

"...when I first got in here John Howard offered me a cup of tea and I went and saw him for an hour and I think he pretty quickly learnt he wasn't on the same wavelength with me. I've moved on from the 1950s, whereas he was still stuck there.

"But I'll offer him a cup of tea and have offered him a cup of tea in the card I've sent and we'll see. I'll keep him a piece of chocolate cake."

Available here - I recommend the mp3 - hilariously true comments.