The Nominees

"And now, the nominees for Most Convincing Liberal Actor in a Portrayal of Dissent."

"John Howard for his post-election scene pretending to be saviour of Tasmanian forests."

"Barnaby Joyce for his feigning outrage with the sale of Telstra."

"Petro Georgiou in 'Won't Someone Please Think of the Boat-Children!'"

"Malcolm Turnbull in 'Let's All Play Nice With The Towelies'"

"Barnaby Joyce for his role as public-outcry representative for WorkChoices."

"And Judi Moylan for feigning dissent over recent welfare-to-work changes."

"And the Oscar for most-convincing is... Barnaby Joyce for WorkChoices."

"Oh boy. Thank you so much. I'd like to thank the academy. And I'd also like to thank all my colleagues, it's been a close race, but in the end, the party is the real winner."

"I'd like to just comment on the goals we have here in feigning dissent. It is important in the battle for control of the nation, to pander to all, with no heed paid to honesty."

"If we maintain a hard-line stance on issues, then delegate a dissenter role, who will usually be an otherwise useless backbencher, and then that person makes the demands that those who oppose the hard-line stance wish for, we can pretend to come to the compromise. The compromise is, of course, what we had already agreed upon, a watered-down hard-line stance. Then we can appeal to both sides of politics. We can be the left and the right. The left can have their petty heros, if the act is believable, and the right can have their policies. We can have all the cake, and starve those who would serve to slice it fairly. If we appear to need no opposition, what does it matter if we rid ourselves of them?"

"I couldn't tell you how many hours I've spent looking into the mirror practising my puppy-dog expression, but I can assure you it's more than John. Thanks very much, and keep on conning on."