Willy Heffernan

Bill Heffernan has announced his resignation 24 hours after his decision to become unable to maintain an erection. “Three months ago, I decided to lower my sperm count to zero. There was probably the odd one or two of the little soldiers floating around, so I figured I was still fit for public office."

"However, on Thursday I successfully attempted erectile dysfunction, which I enjoyed. I plan on maintaining my lack of erection, therefore I must resign from my position as Chief Planter of Slander and Smear into the Public Consciousness.”