Madam X

CIA intelligence officials have raised concerns about the number of sexual perverts joining Al-Qaeda.

"The release of the Abu Ghraib photos really set off an influx of sexual deviants to fundamentalist Islam in the Middle East. We use the most sophisticated techniques of information retrieval - genital electrodes, hoods, torture, nudity, animals, non-consensual rectal probes, but it's seriously disturbing our officers in the private sector when the begging for mercy has a hint of insincerity."

"They love the fact there's no safe word, it's like heaven to these sick-os. They invent these elaborate Al-Qaeda operations and personnel, and taunt us with feigned defiance. Just last week we had four guys off with PTSD - we weren't trained to deal with this situation, you lose all sense of authority and purpose with screams of ecstasy instead of agony. We've decided to shut down operations, until we can be sure we are exclusively dealing with normal people, like terrorists."

David Hicks, or as he is known in Sydney's underground S&M scene: "Madam X", was unavailable for comment.