Loans

Banks have decided a 50-year loan - which would last from the time the borrower leaves school until they retire - is not extending far enough for debt-hungry Australians.

A Commonwealth Bank spokesman today revealed their new plan to take 10 years off mortgage repayments by offering your first born child to the lender. "We can get good returns on infants, there is a substantial market for them - once the initial natural reluctance is overcome. It's just bring financial planning into family planning."

"But we cater for those who cannot, or do not wish to, put up their offspring. We will offer a cash advance for the post-mortem cultivation of a borrower's corpse, or even their various organs. There is a requirement to maintain adequate health - smoking or heavy drinking may violate the terms of the loan, and will require immediate foreclosure on the loan holders 'human assets'."

Owning a home is still highly important to Australians, regardless of fiscal ability claims one financial planner. "The joy of knowing, that one day - being able to sit back and say 'yes - this house is all ours, we own it' - is something your great great grandchildren will experience once the generations have paid off the home you've purchase today, is wonderful."

The Simmons family agrees, "we have found it a little tough, resorting to stealing number plates to fill the car, syphoning from parked vehicles, and, when we get really desperate, taking public transport or riding. We've also had to cut back on a few luxuries - electricity, food, that sort of thing. But at least we don't live with our parents anymore! And with the bush-tucker book we got at a garage sale, it's amazing how much sustenance you can find just lying around in parks. There's quite a lot of protein in magpies. For my birthday, I got a fresh, ripe banana - Bill had saved his pennies all year to afford it, oh gosh I felt like royalty!"

"We have started car pooling, which is great for socializing. We just jump in the combi, and it's off to work, you save so much on petrol. But you do have to get in early to get a good seat - with 23 people, otherwise it's onto the trailer, or worse - the roof-rack, and I find that's a little hard on my back, being pregnant and all."